10 Things I wish I knew as a parent: Sleep
1. The first time you’ll be judged by society as parent is if your baby is a “good sleep”.
I thought I would start this blog series with one of the most controversial topics about parenting, sleep. One of the questions, I would be asked all the time as a new mum was “is Millie a good sleeper”, of which I would respond with “she is sleeping as expected for a baby”. This would lead to a look of confusion on the person’s face and a follow up query of “so she sleeps through the night”. Then further confusion when I replied “no and I don’t expect her to”.
There seems to be a societal view that if your baby is not independently sleeping through the night, then you must be doing something wrong as a parent. Since becoming a parent, I am constantly seeing adverts from sleep coaches and told about books that I need to read in order to find the perceived “holy grail” of my baby sleeping in a crib, alone, all night, and has several long naps during the day.
As both a professional in child development and a Mum, I am worried about the pressure parents feel to have an independently sleeping child and the amount of inaccurate information there is about there. I was going to write a blog all about the different research evidence that explains what a baby actually needs but this has already been done for me. See:
The science of healthy baby sleep - BBC Future
I’m also aware that a lot of people don’t have the time to read a lengthy article so here are the key headlines:
1. The amount babies needs to sleep is individual: Babies up to three months old should obtain 14-17 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, but that as few as 11 or as many as 19 hours might be appropriate.
2. Be flexible with your approach: Newborns can't follow strict sleep routines due to underdeveloped circadian rhythms and melatonin production, which does not emerge until 8-11 weeks. Trying to create a fixed sleep schedule for a baby can lead to them resisting the schedule and unintended consequences like a “split nights”.
3. Frequent baby waking is normal: Babies wake often due to short sleep cycles and feeding needs. This is biologically normal and protective, helping reduce risks like sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Even as adults we wake throughout the night if we need a basic need to be met or we are worrying about something.
4. Longer and deeper sleep is not better for babies: Research has found no real relationship between sleep and later cognitive development.
5. There is no such thing as sleep regression: Instead disturbances in sleep appear to be related to other forms of development. Learning a new skill, like crawling or walking, excites babies enough to wake more at night. Changes in sleep are not a sign of anything going “backwards”.
6. Dependence before independence: Babies' immature neurological systems mean they rely on caregivers to help them with their emotional regulation, including relaxing enough to fall asleep.
So how do you, as parents, survive? I remember trying to support our daughter with sleep in the first few months was one of the most emotive and challenging situations we went through. I remember someone telling us in the early days that our daughter will be a “good” sleeper once she gets to 6 weeks. Then it was when she gets to 3 months and so forth. We never felt like we were going to get it through and only two things helped us to get through.
Firstly, changing our mindset and those around us. Once we knew about the research and why we need to be flexible and more at the pace our daughter, sleep became less stressful. Did we start having chunks of hours of sleep? No but when she was awake at 4.30 am and wanted to play, we changed our mindset that our body will have had the sleep it needed (not necessarily wanted).
Secondly, ignore all unsolicited advice (except from this unsolicited advice). Yes, it generally comes from a good place but people don’t know your individual circumstances or your child. Do what feels right for you and child as long as safety remains at the forefront of your decisions.
