Why It’s Okay If Children Don’t Always Share
As parents, we often encourage sharing as a way to help our children build kindness, empathy, and social skills. After all, sharing is a fundamental aspect of getting along with others, right? However, teaching children about sharing goes beyond simply handing over a toy when another child asks for it. It’s important to recognise that children don’t always need to share immediately, and sometimes, it’s actually better if they don’t.
Here’s why, and how you can support your child in learning healthy sharing habits.
Why Is Sharing So Hard for Young Children?
For very young children, the concept of ownership and possession is a big part of their development. They are learning to explore the world through the things they own, and toys are often an extension of that learning. Holding onto a toy allows them to fully engage with it—whether it’s figuring out how it works, using their imagination, or simply feeling comforted by its presence.
When we ask a child to give up a toy too soon, especially if they’re not ready, it can interrupt this process of exploration. They might not have finished working through whatever skill or idea they were exploring. It can also create frustration, as their natural desire for autonomy is interrupted.
The act of keeping a toy for a reasonable period of time isn’t selfish—it’s a normal part of developing self-regulation, concentration, and problem-solving skills.
Waiting Their Turn: A Valuable Lesson in Patience
In social settings like playgroups or playdates, it’s important to teach children the concept of waiting their turn. Encouraging them to wait for a toy rather than taking it immediately helps children learn patience, delayed gratification, and respect for others' space and time.
Instead of always expecting a child to share right away, we can say things like, “It looks like she’s not done playing yet. Let’s wait until she’s finished, and then it’ll be your turn.” This reinforces the idea that everyone has a chance to play, but they don’t need to interrupt someone else’s time.
Teaching kids to wait fosters a sense of fairness and consideration for others, which is an important social skill as they grow older. It also helps children recognize that they won’t always get what they want right away—and that’s okay.
Why Not Sharing Immediately Is Important for Development
There are several developmental benefits to allowing your child to keep a toy until they’re done with it. Here’s how it helps:
1. Concentration and Focus: When a child is deeply engaged with a toy, they are developing their concentration and attention span. If they’re forced to give it up too soon, they lose the opportunity to practice staying focused on one activity.
2. Independence and Confidence: Learning how to manage their own possessions helps children build a sense of autonomy. It teaches them that they have control over their things, which can boost their self-confidence.
3. Problem-Solving Skills: Children often use toys to work through challenges or to understand the world. Taking that toy away too quickly can interrupt this problem-solving process. Letting them work at their own pace ensures they gain the full developmental benefits.
4. Ownership and Boundaries: It’s important for kids to understand that it’s okay to say “no” sometimes. If a child feels forced to share before they’re ready, they may feel a lack of control over their environment. Understanding that they have a right to finish playing teaches them healthy boundaries and respect for others' boundaries as well.
Strategies for Encouraging Healthy Sharing Habits
While we don’t want to push children to share before they’re ready, it’s still important to help them understand the value of sharing and taking turns. Here are some ways you can support your child in learning this balance:
1. Model Sharing Behaviour: Children learn best by watching the adults around them. If they see you sharing with others in thoughtful, non-forced ways, they’ll begin to understand the importance of sharing in their own time.
2. Use “Turn-Taking” Language: Instead of focusing on sharing in the moment, emphasize turn-taking. Phrases like, “It’s your turn now, and when you’re done, it’ll be her turn,” help frame the concept as something fair and predictable rather than something they are forced to do right away.
3. Teach Waiting Skills: Waiting isn’t always easy, especially for younger children. But by gently encouraging them to wait for their turn, you’re teaching them patience and how to handle delayed gratification. Activities like reading a book, engaging in another toy, or using a timer can help distract them while they wait.
4. Offer Timed Play: For very young children who struggle with taking turns, setting a timer for a few minutes can help. This creates a sense of structure, so the child knows they’ll get a turn soon and don’t need to feel anxious about giving up a toy.
5. Acknowledge Feelings: If your child is upset about having to wait, acknowledge those feelings. Saying something like, “I know you really want that toy, and it’s hard to wait,” validates their emotions without reinforcing an expectation for immediate sharing.
Finding the Balance: Respect for Others and Respect for Self
It’s a balancing act—teaching children to share while also respecting their need to fully explore and engage with a toy before handing it over. By allowing children to play with toys until they’re ready to move on, you’re supporting their development in critical areas like independence, focus, and problem-solving. At the same time, by guiding them to wait their turn, you’re teaching patience, empathy, and respect for others.
As parents, the goal isn’t to make sharing a forced habit, but to guide your child in understanding that both their needs and the needs of others are important. Sometimes, that means it’s perfectly okay not to share—at least, not right away.
